♫The Lunatic Speaks♫

MONDAY JUNE 15, 2009

OH SHIT. I AM SO FUCKING SCARED.

So , i went to vista right now and the counselor was acting like a fucking dick, and he won't fucking let me in.and my mom is tired of that shit, she just wants me to get my credits and thats it.
but no they're not letting me in. I hate it because she doesn't fight for me, jennys mom fought for her, didn't stop bother vista until she was sure her daughter was going in.
but my mom, just sits there, and agrees with the counselors that say i am a failure, and that i am never going to make it.
It hurts to see that, but yeah, it's the truth. and the truth hurts.
I just had to be the fucked up child, andys funny and my mom loves him, they wouldn't ever think he would wind up like me, my sister, yeah she got pregnant, but now shes going good, has her own place, working, she has mental problems i think, but she's good.
and me, well me.... I'm steff.
the stubborn piece of shit.
I am nothing.
before today i thought i was everything and now i realize what i really am.
I always want to be alive, i never think of my life as bad
but today i can't help but think what my parents life would be like if i would just have died that night i had the asmtha attack.
maybe it wouldve been amazing, problem free that would be.
but now but for some stupid reason i was kept alive , just to cause them pain.
if i had the balls to say it in her face, i would say to my mother that im sorry.
im sorry for everything and i love her more than anyone in this world.
and that i thank her for all she's done for me.
but i can't
i can't express the way i feel ever..
as im typing this, im home alone crying having a few panic attacks in a row.
i feel liek i cant breathe and well thats all good to me
im typing this with warm tears running down my cheeks, while my mom, my best friend, is in lynwood high school, so mad and dissapointed, taking me out from school.
not only that but shes going to find out about tha ticket i recently got, now that's two of them.
when she comes back
i am dead.
I wont go otu anymore, my phone will be cut off.
no oscar or cynthias show.
i dont want all of this to happen but i guess i deserve it.
my mom thinks i dont care, but if only she knew how much i care...
actions speak louder than words.
and i say the right thing, but act the wrong way.
It always comes down to you, with no one else to blame.
It's nobody's fault but mine.
and now i gotta pay for what i have and haven't done.
I wish that just one day my mom would be proud of me, that day would be one of the happiest days of my life, my life would seem complete there for a moment, but until then
i will keep crying, as if it would solve the problem.

Sometimes i wish i was able to express and show my true feelings to someone, because i am the type of person that can't.
I can love you more than i love anyother person, but i could never show it to you, not just because i don't want to, its because i dont know how.
even to my own mother i can't let her know how i really feel, therefore she thinks im just a coldhearted bitch that doesn't care for anythign in the world
but if only she knew how i really feel
that i ache inside, that i have so much pain inside of me that i cant let out
so much anger towards everyone but so much love for her..
but i cant show it to her
i dont know why
im not affectionate and never was
i hate when people see me break down i guess its because i feel so vulnerable and weak, and im used to being so lively and strong..
i wish my mom knew what was on my mind.
i wish everyone did that way theyd understand me.
I hate myself right now.
i hate everything i do right now.
yet i dont regret a single thing.

I wish i was good enough for my mother.
I'm scared of what im going to become.

I am who i am, i try to change but can't.
maybe i am not who i think i am.

I have the worst luck in the world.
I destroy everything, and fuck up everything good that happens to me.

I don't deserve anything.
I don't deserve anyone.

I don't deserve having what i have.
I am just me
and that's all there is to it.

Lifes a bitch, then you die.

ha, well, let's see.
hmmm last wednesday was fucking crazy.
me angel cynthia jacorie david piggy and idk who the fuck else went to my house since my mom wouldnt be home and we were drinking in my house lowkey. It was down while the fun l roseberry piasted.
well, apparently my dad saw angel kiss me, so he went all crazy.
therefore he proceeded to make my day fucking ruined, and kicked everyone out of my house, very rudely id i may add.
then he pushed me inside the house i was like wtf, bitch.
and then he gave me this look and said who the fuck is that guy and i said my boyfriend, and he then brought up oscar whom, i haven't even spoke to in a while, since we broke up like 3 months ago or someshit.
yeah he asked what happen to him and well i havent been with him but he also saw me kiss him when we weren't together.
then the thing that fucked me up most inside happend.
he called me a slut.
my own fucking dad called me a slut.
once i heard that, i went to my room, told roseberry i wanted to leave, and put on my shoes, got my sweater while crying and took off.
my sister followed me ranting on about shit that didn't even matter to me.
it didn't matter because the damage was done.
i didn't care i didn't want to be home with that man called me "dad"

my sister told me, "if you know you're not a slut, then why are you crying? if youre not then it wouldnt hurt you"
this is where she got it all wrong, it's because i know that i'm not a slut is why im crying.
because he thinks so low of me and is insulting and accusing me of a false fact.
I can handle the truth so if i knew i was slutty theni would be like yeah i guess bitch whatever, but i'm not that way and to know that he thinks of me that way, really hurt me.
if i fucked different guys all the time, made out with all these guys in short matter of time, wore slutty clothes with my skin showing a little too much, having a lot of boyfriends every other fucking month, then he would have the fucking right to call me that.
but no im not even like that so fuck him and fuck the way he thinks of me
I fucking hate  him, i fucking hate him at this moment.
i never hold grudges, but this time i feel the need to.
 i never really liked my dad and now this gives me more reason nto kkeep disliking him.
i don't want to talk to him, look at him, be near him, next to him, behind him, in the same room with him.
nothing.
I want him to be out of my way for a very long time.
I lost his respect, and i don't need him.
i need his money, but not him.
if you think that's coldhearted, then so be it.
because i don't care.
i just don't care anymore.
fuck him, fuck everything about him.

all i need is my mother, my brother, my friends, and my music.
and i am fine.

haha, never think people love you for what you are.
because they start hating you once they see something completely different than what you really are.


 

ew I don't know what the fuck i did to my livejournal.
this is too hard for me.
or am i just too lazy to even try?

My eyes blinded by all these things that don't matter.
I see you , but can't hear you.
I touch you but can't feel you
I talk to you, but you don't listen.
I try to control it all, my actions, my words, my thoughts, my feelings....
all for nothing, I try and try and the more i do,  the more it all slips away from me.

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fucking pothead
Angel, torta, oscar.

well my 4 20 was fucking lame
it was so hot and it took forever to get booze.
oh my jesus.
ahahaha.
fucking lameeeeeeeeeeeeeeee man

well we drank a shitload of vodka though ahah
fuck well, today we didnt go either we just went to michaels house and drank some tequila and some bud lights, and stogies.
fuck  i was buzzed as fuck
jenny didnt go so it was pretty lame
most of the time i spent it with angel(:
ahah fuck almost everyone don't like him but i do , i think hes alright maybe because he makes me laugh alot?
so its been so fucking hot for the past 2 days, and my fingers are all sweaty and shit.
well tomorrow i go back to school
i have to walk there
man
fuck my life.
lmaooo jk
well hmmm

lates?
<3

ahh so, first thing i got to say is, this spring break was pretty fucking amazing.

but now today it comes to an end.
goodbye beautiful spring break.
welcome 4 20, then hello school
:(

I should be happy i had fun but man no one wants to fucking go back to school.
but yeah
ill start  i guess from this past wednesday man
yea kickbacks at kinas and this time i slept over cuz alex told my mum we were gonna sleep with her
and shit
well jenny gus and orseberry and so many other people
went i remember roseberry giving gus a lapdance
my bro all fucked up barfing in kinas bed lmaoo

hmmm so i made out with this guy that looks all scene and shit and him [angel] happend to be brothers friend so when my brother saw us kissing, he went all crazy, and he was drunk so 10 x the violence lmao, he socked the guy in the head but i still kissed him adn shit after man..
lmao
fucking crazy day....
i was gonna sleep over so i was liek fuck yeahh goo crazyy haha
i tried a line of meth.. and i felt like i was floating, then finally after hours of doing and talking abotu stupid shit angel and i passed out together  lmfao
fuck when i woke up
i turned only to find bitchass angel asleep next to me and roseberry fucking talking and laughing to herself it was funny

another kick back was on friday
it was only me jenny brian andy michael kina cynthia,  and piggy
we started drinking at 12 am midnight and didnt sleep all day till then fuck it was funny just makning fun of this tweaker that was there tryign to rape with this little gameboy shit ahahaha
fuck he was liek i dont smell man its only been a month since i showered by and michael just looked at him like wtfff lmaooo
then we saw his socks all brown as fuck
and hes like "oh this is nothing you shouldve seen when they were charchoal black"
lmfaooo highlight of the fucking day man
spring break was pretty fuckign amazing.

So, kinas kickback was alright.
full off fucking little kids though, but man was there alot of booze dude.
me and jenny hit and socked this little asian kid billy in the head and made him cry.
that foo is like 12 yrs old and drinks and smokes that shit ain't right,  even for me.
then there was this angel guy that i was talking shit to.
fuck roseberry was all high cuz they hotboxed the restroom and fuck she looked scary then she started drinking and i tried to stop her but of course she wouldnt listen, and she died she was all barfing and failling everywhere and i couldnt even carry her.
fuck man the funniest scariest shit happend to me and jenny man.
we went to go pick up oscar and torta and helen grace.
when we get out the house and start walking there was this car and fuck it was following us till the end of the street and they were honking and screaming and they were on the other side of the street but i guess they turned the street and we finally got to the corner to get oscar and torta, so we were walking back and then FUCK out of nowhere the guy in the car pops out the alley and it looked like he was gonan grab me and jenny and say something but he stopped in th emiddle of it all because he saw torta and oscar man fuck it was so scary me and jenny started screaming and holding on to torta lmao.
fuck man it was so fuckign scary his face man. but it was also hilarious
damn imagine torta and oscar werent there? WOW fuck that shit! haha.
but yeah man then we were in the kickback and there was this chick not even taking care of her kids we felt bad man, but yeah then andy got fucked up he was calling me a bitch cu zi wouldnt give him the bottle and shit and he was like ur a fukcing bitch and the only reason why i didnt give it to him is because i knew he was gonna get destroyed, and once again, i was fucking right.
he fucking died man and the cops came in the house and told everyone to go home and shit man...
we were supposed to get picked up there but we ran from the cops and left to oscars house man.
andy passed out there and fuck men me and oscar were just on the floor talking about teletubbies and laughing at out picture where torta comes out all white and shitty in the back.. fuck i hadnt laughed that hard with oscar man it was hilarious ahha.
but yeah man, we got caught in the end cuz of andy, i was buzzed but i can act sober and my dad thought i didnt drink at all and he was just like oh andy fucking drank and shit.
andy passed out and my dad gave me a talk an what not.
yesterday we went to a punk show with joseph hammy matty pepe and jenny and my bro it was fun man , there was this tweaker that was walking around with a blanket and fuck he was so scary man.. that shit was funny tho then there was this guy with long ass hair and a black eye headbanging by himself fuck it was hilarious.
idk it was fun kicking it and shit although half the bands didnt even fucking play lol
today is easter and i didnt do shit but go buy a needle and piercing and pierced my nose.
hmm, and also ate jack in the box and yee thats it lol
well
i wrote alot and super fast
so yeah
lates?
:)

omg! so It's spring break now ahhaa.
fuck well my spring break started fucking amazing yet so fuckign crazy all emotional.
the kickback at kikas house was down.
there was so many people there and we were all fucking destroyed!
me and torta jacked a bottle of vodka and we fucking all went to the meadow and drank some shots , we kept telling oscar not to drink that much cuz he was gonna get fucking annihilated , but he didnt listen.
thats when it all happend, w ewere all fucked up then it was cool but then that george guy tried to kick us out his room while there was other people there too andplus oscar torta and i were just laying down and oscar was just passed out so we werent doing anything wrong yet he let the other ppl stay there... well thats when george was like "imma stab that foo"
talking about oscar and hell no oscar gets up so fucking fast and hes liek "WHAT?! DO IT MOTHERFUCKER! ILL STAB YOU" then torta and i held him down and fuck he starts banging his head on the wall so fucking hard man.
i was so scared so torta takes him outside and oscar starts going so fucking crazy man i got scared so i started crying so fucking much.. just watching him go so crazy.. i cried at the fact that i couldn't do anything about it, i wasn't strong enough to hold him back, i wasn't strong enough to calm him down, i wasn't good enough to make him stop. then i went crazy too man.. i started crying telling everyone to get away and i socked roseberry accidentally, and fuck i made jenny and skilla cry it was so crazy fucking chain reaction. after that, it was all good.. it was fun man.
it was a memorable day.
hahahaha.
today imma go to kinas kickback and get drunk again , hahaha this time i hope oscar doesnt go crazy and im good you know?
lol.. i hope jenny goes.
roseberry needs to fucking call me soon.
she spend 2 days with me and fuck was it hilarious like always.. rolling on my bed with nasty voices laughing till 2 in the morning and saying the stupidest thing.
i always feel lonely after she leaves lmao.. cuz i dont talk to anyone at home.. only andy but hes always too busy watching t.v hahaa.

yeah kikas kickback last day of school before spring break haha
april 8, 2009<3333













:)

I am strangely in  a mood..
well It's not strange, and not a mystery why im happy haha.
well reason being is that wednesday is the last day of school then SPRING BREAKKK!!
yyeaaahhhh L)
bad thing is that it's goign to pass by so fast man i already know it :/
fuck lately i'm thinking too negative.
anywho, yeah tomorrow is a kickback at kikas house so im putting good dance music on my ipod so when we get drunk we can all get fucking hyper and all that good shit. haha
fuck were gonna get booze like last time, except this time i hope i dont get fuking destroyed like last time, i began to get sober and i realized i kissed some kid who looks so little like fucking chucky and shit lmao.
when i get drunk i don't get slutty but fuck this day i felt slutty cuz i kissed that guy and my friend.
my good guy friend thats sick! thats like kissing ur best friend or something i don't think of him that way.. haha sick.
fuck blame it on the ah ah ah ah alcoholll lmao funny song by jamie foxx lmao.

but yeah, It's so hot my fingers are sweating as i type this. gross.
well roseberry plans on drinking hells bells tomorrow morning man, i hope she has a good trip cuz your vision blurs, your body goes numb, and best of all you hallucinate ahhaha.

I've only hallucinated alot when i took one too many pill sof benadyrl and fuck it was tight lmao. i saw colors on my fingers and a face on my window and my body felt so tingly and when i would get scared i would get the mean ol chills man haha now imagine hells bells, or shrooms or lsd acid or some thing of that sort.. lol.

I don't think it's a problem to do drugs like that, people may think it's a serious problem to want to get out of reality, but what's so great about reality?

It's not a problem to take hallucinogens to escape from reality, it's a problem to never get tired of feeling the same, sober... hahaha
well idk im open minded i guess, and i love being this way because i know im having fun.
drinking isn't healthy and i know but hmm i havent got kindey failure or lung cancer so im good ahahaha.
i hope i never do but fuck it man im having the time of my life before i get fucking old and got to take alot of responsibility.
hahaha
well ill be backkkk laterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

:)

My mind is like a wonderful, bright, perplexing, bewildering, confusing, lonely, yet amazing place.
what if i could open my mind? Would you like to come in and share my thoughts with me?
would you like to see what i see, hear what i hear, want what i want, smell what i smell?
would you feel what i feel?
would you wander away with me?
because if you could open your mind, i would gladly go in and think with you.
i would love to get lost in your thoughts with you, i'd like to be a part of your imagination?
i would like to float inside your head and play with your brain and trickle all your feelings , then when all you're feelings have gone mad and you got heaps load of things to be insane about, it will be me!
it's just me in your head making you crazy and singing to flowers?!
look at the roses, there is a whole lot of colours hahah!
don't you know that i am the walrus that gives you that good lovin feelin, i am the white rabbit you've been looking for!
I just left to the strawberry fiels in my yellow submarine, did you see it?
I dont think you did it's just a figment of my imagination
I am the effervescing elephant with tiny eyes and a great big trunk that you, the tiger, wants to devour, but maybe i will tell syd barrett to write it over so i won't get eaten because i want a head full of acid to you know?!
do you feel that subtle oooooozinnggg tingly feeling in your brain?
if you do, well that's me, love!
goooddd dayy sunshineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
just remember it's all in the mindd


think of me fondly,

amazing day awakens me
 and sunlight fills my veins
and warms my skin
i look up at the beatufiul blue sky and smile as it pleases my eyes
bright flowers look and talk to me and show me the love they have for this place
nature at it's finest, reminds me of everything I admire,
and i think of you, and this beautiful day
and i miss you terribly

To me, every person is just like a house. Houses get built and there born perfect and plain. then over the years as new people move in and out of the house, the house goes through new things. People paint the house different colors because change is another step for the house to grow, as well as people. Over years the house is faceing damages, like cracks and leaking and maybe even rats. For people, these rats represent the people in our lives who we came to realive we didnt really need. So we set out some mouse traps and we got rid of them. The crackedd house gets fixed when the damage is really bad and with some easy supplies, we fill in those cracks and make the house stronger. The house is a covering and shelter for people when its raining and its too bad to go outside. That is how a house is smiliar to a true friend . The house shelters people but at the same time it was built to support its roof to stand on its own. Maby a few pieces of wood help it stand but over the years, its the house who holds it self up.

now that i know it's over, it hurt's more to know you won't be there anymore.
you said i wasn't different afterall, but then again, so aren't you.
you're just like everyone else.
leaving everything behind for something little, or for a misunderstanding.
you think you know, but you know nothing.
It's going to hurt seeing you with someone else knowing you were mine and only mine.
i think we both have something so common in a way where it was meant to be in odd ways, but nothing lasts forever we both know hearts can change.
i feel as iff not many girls are good enough for you, you are amazing.
i would say i wish it worked out, but it just didn't.
hmmmm, since i've been loving you i've been losing my worried mind.


I gotta get over it all.
stupid steff, you were never like this.